Diapers, number two.

I love my wife. While I go to work each morning, she stays at home with The Dude. While at work, I rarely encounter anyone crying...and if they are, I'm not expected to feed that person or change his pants.

At home, though, my wife is the caregiver to a 1 month old. If he's hungry, she's on it. If he needs changed, she's there. If she's tired, he's awake. If she's hungry, he's hungry.

She's a beast.


When I get home, though, I become the diaper changer. I figure I can handle a few diapers here and there, compared to the amount she changes during the day. Usually a pretty easy go, unless she drops this bomb:

"Oh, and -- he hasn't pooped for me today."

Translation: Grab a Maid of the Mist poncho, noseplugs, and wipes. Lots of wipes. It's gonna get messy.

Luckily, The Dude hasn't had any constipation issues. He poops. And if he doesn't poop during the day, you can bet that there are a few heavily loaded diapers awaiting me that evening.


Generally, here's the rundown:

I change him. No poop.
Five minutes later, I hear a shart.
I wait a few minutes to see if there are other sharts to follow.
I change him. Lots of mustard-like poop.
Five minutes later, I hear a shart.
I wait ten minutes to see if there are other sharts.
I change him.


No one enjoys that shartty feeling....maybe your stomach hurts, and you try to pass a little gas, thinking it'll help....but sadly, there's something brewing inside you. Yeah....never fun. I think The Dude loves it, though. He'll get a peaceful look on his face...and I can't say that I blame him.

When I hear that rumble, though, I think, "Diaper, don't fail me now!" I really hope I was successful in putting the diaper on correctly. Too loose - it's everywhere. Too tight - it squirts out.

We've had instances of leakage. When this happens, I try to channel my inner-Adrian Monk, piecing together the events that led to a onesie soaked with pee. Sometimes the diaper was loose or tight. Sometimes, The Dude's dude was pointing up or to the side. Sometimes, he was just full of pee and the diaper was at max capacity.

At the end of the day, though, I realize that I don't need a poncho from the Maid of the Mist. Noseplugs aren't necessary. All I need is patience...and wipes.

Lots of wipes.